Ageing as a spectrum and new life goals

When I was younger, the prospect of my ‘twenties’ seemed like some kind of promised land. An unknown and exciting era of my life, where everything would just fall into place. I’d be working in a plush-looking office in London, doing PR or some kind of fashion journalism, scrambling into work each day and flustered about being late. I’d have a Starbucks in one hand and my phone pressed to my ear in the other, making it to my desk just in the nick of time to start my day. I must have been at a very impressionable age when I watched Ugly Betty and The Devil Wears Prada.

I’d probably be in a very serious long-term relationship. We’d probably live together. I’d probably be skinny and have perfect skin. I’d never be struggling with money or my mental health. But most importantly, I’d have my shit together and be doing all of this by the age of 25. 

I can tell you now that this is most definitely not the case.

When I turned 20, I cried. Not one of those things was on the horizon, and I worried that life was running away from me… (I know). I worried I was getting old when I was still so young, but the truth is, I wasn’t sure if I still wanted any of those things and wasn’t even sure how to pursue them if I did.

I still don’t. 

Every now and then, I’m reminded of the song ‘Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen’ by Baz Luhrmann. It’s a perfect song. It makes me feel equal parts happy and sad, it makes me yearn for things that haven’t even happened yet, and is full of valuable advice. But perhaps one of the songs main takeaways, for me at least, is this:

“Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.”

I realise I have always thought of the concept of ageing as something structured, with clear milestones, that life is predictable and linear. Where events happen at a certain time - at the time they are ‘supposed to’ happen. And if they didn’t? Well it obviously meant you were failing or falling behind.

This is also wrong. I think once I got to grips with this and stopped giving myself a hard time for not having everything figured out, I started to see life and the idea of ‘growing up’ differently. 

To me, nowadays, I like to think of ageing as more of a spectrum. Of course there are some things that will happen around the same time for a lot of people, but this doesn’t mean failure if this isn’t the case for you. There are, however, smaller, more trivial things I have experienced that I like to think serve as alternative milestones. They aren’t high-flying jobs, relationships, a degree or a nice flat in London, but whenever I notice one of these little things, I feel excitement instead of despair that I’m not where I’m ‘supposed’ to be. 

I have taken a mental note of each of these things over the past few years and have come up with a list. Of course everybody experiences life differently, but this list of milestones consists of things so commonplace that I’d like to think I can share them with others. Give or take a few, and in no particular order, I suggest anyone else beating themselves up about not achieving specific ‘life goals’ by a certain time uses this list or makes their own as a reminder of life’s small wins:

• Liking coffee.

• Liking black coffee.

• Learning how to go out all night without smashing your phone, losing the contents of your handbag and spending all your money.

• Liking sushi.

• Mastering the art of going out for ‘a couple of drinks’.

• Mastering the art of going to work and successfully concealing your hangover if you didn’t manage to have just ‘a couple of drinks’.

• Transitioning from a stressful mother/daughter relationship to one of the most important friendships you will have.

• Learning how to say no.

• Learning how to be a good listener. 

• Going from cringing at your parents’ taste in music to absolutely loving Joni Mitchell.

• Liking Sundays.

• Ordering a cheeseboard for dessert, instead of an actual dessert .

• Liking white wine.

• Liking red wine.

• Realising you now go on walks for fun when you most definitely hated them as a child.

• Trusting your gut instincts.

• Learning to care less about what people think of you.

• Learning how to walk away from people and situations that aren’t good for you.

• Realising that you’re not always going to please everyone all of the time.

• Learning how to stop comparing yourself to others and to accept yourself, just the way you are.

• Realising that nobody else really has their shit together either. Ever.